Oh boy, where to begin?
Well, I've been back in the states now for about 11 days. 11 days. I can't believe I've already been back home for this long, but it also seems like I've been back for an eternity.
The night my team and I left with Augustine, Sam, and Shannon-akka for the airport was surprisingly anti-clamatic. As a team, we'd gotten so used to arriving and leaving so many different places during our short time in India. I had journeyed to Kodaikanal, Kodaikanal, Madurai, Chennai, Malihabiberpurum, Chennai, Pudicherry and villages, Chennai, Mumbai, Chennai, Madurai, Chennai, Chingalpet, Chennai, Chingalpet, Chennai... As we pulled out of the street late that night, although I knew this was the last time I'd ever see Aunti or Jim-anna or David, Annun, and the rest of the boys, it felt like just another temporary goodbye. I knew in my mind that this might truly be the last time I'd ever see these people in this life, but God blessed my heart with a lot of peace that night. I KNOW I will see them all again one day - either in this life or in the presence of our Creator. And who knows, I'm not entirely convinced I'm done with India yet. A year ago I never would have imagined I would spend my summer in India encountered these beautiful people, seeing and experiencing the things I did, or growing the ways God grew me. I never would have imagined myself where I was in the car that night saying goodbye to my home in India. So, who is to say where I'll be in the (hopefully) many years to come? I'm the kind of person who likes to try to plan out my life (like as in I actually have a tentative list of goals for the next 5 years. ha. Yeah I know, that's weird XP). I just have so many passions I want to share with the world and so many dreams I want to live out! But to be honest, I barely know what this next semester at Northwestern is going to bring me. And God continues to prove that He has bigger, better, scarier, more exciting and fufillingly beautiful plans for my life than someone like me could ever come up with on my own. So, although my summer in India was brought to an inevitable close, I am blessed with a peace and hope that God will continue to work through the memories and relationships and lessons we learned to bring us closer to Him - whatever that may look like in the future.
We arrived at the airport around 10pm and said goodbye to Augustine, Shannon-akka, and Sam. My team and I walked to the international departure section. They wouldn't let my teammates in yet because their flight to Italy for the Bryan Collage debreifing week wouldn't take off until 4am. My flight to the US through Brussel, however, left at 1am. My teammates stepped out of line and I stepped forward. It was another anti-clamatic fairwell. We hugged breifly, I showed the man at the door my passport, and I stepped inside and out my final taste of the Chennai night air. I looked back once or twice before I got too far inside away from the glass windows, but at some point you just have to turn around and walk forward.
Eventually I walked out of the crowded, humid turminal and boarded the spacious, air-conditioned jet equiped with personal t.v.'s, radios, and a lot of really fancy food. As the plane pulled out, scenes from that last week in India flooded my vision. I thought about my teammates on their way to a week in Italy together. It had been weird walking through the airport alone and feeling even somewhat independant again. I'd just spent the entire summer surrounded by these people, always doing and experiencing everything together. Although we had each been given big responsibilities in classrooms and the ministry, we had always functioned as a team. At the very least, we had always been together. And now they were on their way somewhere else together. And I was on a plane traveling back to the US alone. Just me. As pathetic as it might sound to you, I couldn't help but wonder, "Why me?" I looked back over my life and I could see so many wonderful people and the friends and community and family I had been blessed with. I looked back over my time in India and thought about the moments that touched me and the people I'm going to have to go back and live without. It wasn't fair. What was the point to this? I thought of all the people I've known and loved and who are no longer part of my life. All their faces and those old, bitter-sweet feelings flooded me as I thought about the Indian people and as I sat in my cold, over-sized airplane seat missing my teammates. I prayed that at least maybe I'd left them - everyone - better off from knowing me. Yeah. And then I cried. Just one glistening teardrop as my plane made its way through the airfield.
But something I keep on reminding myself of is the eternal nature of God. God is eternal, relational, and He is holy beyond anything I can comprehend. And when God the Holy Spirit dwells in us and when He dwells at the center of any relationship we have, that relationship - due to His nature - begins to be transformed into something eternal and holy. We may not see the total results of it yet, but one day we will. And I believe no matter how little communication or distance, that when God is at the center, He will make our friendships with one another long-lasting and glorifying to Him. I have a lot of peace about this. I don't feel like I need to fight to hold on to the relationships in this world as much. Yes, I will never stop loving people and seeking out deeper relationships with the ones I love. But I have also been able to let go inside and give these to God. By doing so, I trust that I will really be giving these relationships to the only one who can truly save them. I've already felt the fruit of this. Friends back in India have already contacted me, and I've connected now with friends back home who I haven't seen in half a year to a year. God has always blessed me with a really natural ability to pick up old friendships. When He is in a relationship, He not only enables us to pick up these friendships but I have seen that He actually makes these frienships deepen and grow in intimacy, vulnerability, and trust through Him despite obstacles such as distance. So, basically what I'm trying to say is that things are going to be ok because God is in it :)
It took only about 30 hours to get back to the US. I bought legit Belgium chocolates for my family in the Brussels airport (and was horrified by the exchange rate between euros and dollars.) It was strange suddenly being back in a westernized nation like Belgium. I had only seen a handfull of foreigners during my time in India, and it had always been kind of a shock. And suddenly I was surrounded by westernized people who looked, dressed, walked, and acted totally different from the Indian people. On one hand, 20 years of habit aren't easily forgotten and so there was something comforting about being surrounded by people who's cultures were familiar. But on the other hand, I was immediately self-consious. I hadn't fit in completely with the Indian people, but I also felt like I now could no longer really fit in with the other westerners I saw. I found things like the way they dressed or did their hair or the way they talked and walked - though familiar - also bizarre in some ways. And I looked down at what I looked like - even just on the outside - and found myself looking totally different. It was actually comforting when I ran across Indians in Indian dress on my travels home. On my flight from Brussels to Chicago I actually sat next to an Christian, Indian-born man who was traveling back to his home in Kentucky with his wife and kids. That coincedence was cool. We were three or five of the only people traveling from India on that flight and we were all Christians who ended up sitting next to each other. I love it.
Anyways, my mom and sisters Beth and Mary met me in the Omaha airport after 10-15 more hours of travel. Much of Omaha and the area near downtown of Sioux City were covered in flood still. I finally got that chocolate x-treme blizzard from DQ I'd been craving. I got a medium because I thought I'd share it with my mom. Who was I kidding? I ate that entire thing by myself and loved every spoonfull of it :) We got home eventually and I was able to show them the gifts I'd gotten them and begin the long process of telling them every lil detail I can remember. Oh! And I ate large, seedless, white grapes with ice-cold, light, 8th Continent chocolate soymilk that night for dinner. I'd been craving that since the second Kodaikanal conference way back at the very beginning of my summer. Glorious :)
The first week back passed by really quickly. I was kind of ill for a while because I was adjusting to the changes in diet and such. I hadn't felt jet-lagged initially after my trip, but the fact that I couldn't sleep later than 4 or 6am kind of indicated I was still trying to get used to being back in the US. I've tried to spend most of this time being around my family - I really learned they're the most important people I need to invest in.
I was blessed to be able to speak for about an hour at my church about my time in India. The people at First EVFree really helped make this summer happen for me through their constant support and prayer. It was touching to be able to share what I could during that short hour and to be able to see how much people were interested in listening to and understanding my experience. It's one thing to be told you have someone's support, it's another thing entirely to actually be embraced by those hands that have folded in prayer so often for you and to see true understanding glistening in the eyes of a church family. Simply said, I think being able to share my experience with my church was a huge blessing for me in many ways. Even just seeing that I can bring the things I learned back here and that the way God grew me can help grow others - this was the biggest blessing to me I think.
Now I'm on my second week of being back. I move in back to NW soon - the 13th actually. That's in only 4 days! Yesterday I drove up to Northwestern to help some friends who were moving in early for RA positions. As I was walking around campus I couldn't help but think how strange it was that I would soon be back here living my life. I don't know what next semester is going to look like - some of my responsibilities are actually kind of intimidating to be honest. But I have a lot of trust now that God is going to enable me and work through me to achieve His glory. This probably won't look like what I envision. It usually doesn't. But the cool thing is that it's probably going to be better. That's one funny thing God continues to show me. Sometimes I think I dream so big and grand, but He always takes what I want and He recreates it into something kind of different but better than what I previously had thought I wanted. God is pretty cool like that.
When I first got back to the US, I thought it would be really easy to integrate everything I'd learned and adjust to living here again. The first week was pretty easy. I focused on a list of tasks I had to accomplish to get ready before I moved back to school, I had debriefing activities NW required me to do, my family asked me a lot of questions - basically, I was in the honeymoon stage of return.
But now little cultural differences have started to rub against me slightly. I feel pretty alienated by the huge focus western nations put on image (especially for young woman). While I was in India I was really starved for choices or options. Now I walk into a restaurant and just stare at the menu. I walk into my closet and stare at all my different clothing. I've already gone through it twice now - my goal is to donate most of it. In India my electronic entertainment options were really just Neo Cricket, Tamil soaps, or the internet (which was usually limited). I don't even need to get into how drastically different it is here in the US. And music. Katlyn was kind enough to bring and share her ipod, and we listened to or sang Christian Tamil and Hindi songs. And there always seemed to be music playing outside everywhere we went. But being back I'm shocked at the sensuality of so many images and lyrics conjured up in entertainment and music and at the multitude of options we have in these areas.
I do want to take a moment to say, however, that though I find these things somewhat alientating, I find my experience in India has helped me to live alongside people who's cultures I don't completely understand/agree with. One thing I was wary about was that I didn't want to come home suddenly "enlightened" and see that as a green light to bash America, my friends, familiy, or communities because they live differently than what I'd seen in India. Both cultures have good and bad things about them and each culture has it's own set of values. I feel blessed that I've been able to come home and see things I now find strange or don't agree with and yet still be able to love and serve the people of this culture. It's difficult to explain, but I think I understand more about cultural relativism so I am finding it easier to adjust back without rushing to label/judge people who are simply moving in a different culture. Does this make sense? Ok. It makes sense in my mind even if I'm not finding the right way to explain it. :)
Anways, the most difficult thing about being back is not being able to addequately explain why I was affected the way I was or why certain experiences were powerful or why I was changed. The most difficult question I've been asked is, "So, how did you change while you were over there?" I stared off into space and was silent. I shook my head, apologized and told my sister I had to go, and handed the phone over to my mom. It's maybe the most important thing for me to grasp and explain to people, but it's the one question where I find the answer most elusive. I don't even know what to write about it.
I guess time will tell.
The best question I've been asked is, "What were some of your top ten moments?" The answers of which (though not in any particular order) are as follow:
1.The Bay of Bengal beach at the youth camp. Everyone slowly moving across the sand walking there. Everyone working to help Jim-anna in his wheel chair and getting him down so he could feel his feet in the sea. My girls Unis, Jennifer, Itsyba, Jack, and Shallin standing in the waves with me holding hands and searching for shells. The enitre camp in one huge circle praying before we left.
2.Dancing to Shakira's "This is Africa" song with all of the girls in the dormitory one of the nights at the youth camp. Up until this point in my trip I had been feeling somewhat disconnected and kind of lonely. These girls came at one of the moments I was most discouraged and showed me that I could forge gloriously vibrant, real, fun friendships regardless of major differences and they helped reafirm that I had something of value to learn and share with others. I seriously miss those girls so much!
3.Holding the leper's hand in the leper hospital in Pudicherry. The way that felt to bend down eye-to-eye and put my hand on their arms. Abandoned by their families, they're used to people avoiding any kind of physical contact. The look in their eyes when I slid my hand into theirs'.
4.My friend Amu and me out in the moonlit garden in Pudicherry sharing our hearts with one another with the help of our young translator Sam. The secrets she shared with me and the trust and love shared in our friendship despite our limited ability to communicate with one another. I was so honored.
5.We were walking through the leprosy slum in Pudicherry when our ears picked up the sound of distant waves crashing somewhere further ahead. The Bay of Bengal hidden somewhere ahead behind all the shacks and slum buildings. Our translator and friend Raja turned to me and said, "Sis, do you hear that - the song of your heart." He couldn't have said it any better. Here I am walking through a leprosy slum evangelizing, praying over people, sharing the gospel amidst such pain and poverty. And I can hear the ocean. It was like I could hear the whispers of God promising to redeem His people.
6.The last day at the Mumbai school we taught at for two weeks. I was still weak with the virus I picked up, but I wouldn't have missed this day for anything. A hundred children screaming they loved and would miss you, running up to beg to get a picture with you or to show you something they made for you to remember them by or to hug, shake your hand, or lay a beautifully innocent goodbye kiss on your cheek.
7.The testimony I shared with Bro. Limma and the family we were staying at in Mumbai. It really opened up my eyes in a lot of ways and pointed out things I hadn't been aware of about myself. I love that family in Mumbai. They told me they'd adopt me and be my Mumbai family. I'm going to remember them and the amazing generosity and trust they taught me forever.
8.Sneaking up to the roof of the house late one night in Mumbai and climbing up to the tallest spot.Simply singing and praying and dancing in the rain by myself but not alone :) God led me into a lot of important prayer that night.. and He led me to call someone special to me I hadn't talked to in a while. I was blessed by it. Plus, I love dancing :) so it was great.
9.Brother Limma and his ministry. How do I choose just one moment? Everywhere I spoke it was only through the grace of the Holy Spirit and by the guidance and examples of the amazing people I've been blessed to serve with. Just the beauty I saw in the slum because of God's amazing presence. You wouldn't think piles of trash shrewn all over the road all over could be vibrantly inspirational, but seen through the eyes God gave me they were. You wouldn't think people living in such a dark, opportunity-less, dirty slum could be so full of kindness, patience, joy and hope. But by the grace of God's power, they were. And even the people Limma self-sacrificially and joyfully ministered to who were still bound by evil - they were so open to the gospel and so hungry for the Word. God is moving there and through the things and relations that Limma built with our team!
10.Visiting the International Justice Mission headquarters in Chennai and getting to speak with the interns. We also were able to sit in on a major presentation by some of the heads of PR, Law, and Social Work for this organization. One word: Inspirational! Hearing from people working and sacrificing daily for justice - I have such a heart for compassion and justice - it just kindled my passion for these issues and the people struggling against them even more!
These are just a few moments which happened to come to mind the quickest. Ah! I could write a book filled with moments like these. Some of the most powerful onces are the most difficult to describe, and sometimes when I think of India, only images - feelings frozen in a picture of time and light - come to mind. And I'm still working out how to describe those.
While I'm at this, I might as well jot down 3 of the most difficult things this trip. I don't love dwelling on these things, but perhaps they're the most important to think about and share because it's the difficult moments we grow the most from:
1. The team conflict at the beginning of the trip (most noticably the first time in Chennai). Details here are irrelevant. Basically there was negativity and instead of responding calmly in a mature, lovingly patient manner I allowed my own pride to get in the way and I stooped down instead of standing above it. There was just really one major point of conflict where I failed to handle the situation as I believe children of God are called to love and SERVE others. A team member more outside the situation called me on it though (they may not even have been aware of it at the time), and I decided that my team were the most important people to love during this trip. It's easy to love the Indian people, it's another thing to consistantly love and serve those closest to you. I realized that if I left India not having loved my teammembers, then I'd leave India having learned nothing. This is all easier said than done. But God taught me a lot of great things through my team and those closest to me this summer. He pointed out the pride issues and self-deception in my own life. I'm thankful for this, but these can be difficult lessons to learn. XP
2. The food. I'd tried Indian food before back in the US. Loved it. Thought I had this whole SOS thing down because at least I knew I'd love the food. WRONG. The food was actually a hugely humbling thing for me. Mostly, our diet consisted of rice (and a lot of it), fried starches, sauces, and breaded meats. And for anyone who knows me, usually my diet here consists of fruits, veggies, soy, and whole grain. There were a lot of cultural norms about the minimum amount you should eat to be polite, and we were also stretched to find variety as well. Sooo, to say the least the food situation threw me off a little. This was perhaps the most humbling thing this trip. I went to India prepared for spiritual or social conflict, but instead I was humbled by something so painfully human as food... It seems so lame but I guess God uses the small things of the world to show us His power and our own need for Him.
3. Another difficult thing for me was when we had free time. We would switch from times of super fast-paced activity to times when we literally had nothing to do but wait a few days for the next programs to start up. This was hard because I'm the kind of person who likes to do things and be active. And it was even difficult just to do these things when we had free time because we had so little freedom to move around, leave the house, or even do chores (I'd sneak into the kitchen to do dishes while Buela-akka wasn't looking. The Asir family would let us help with certain things, but many of our hosts would not). God taught me a lot about being content with just relaxing - something that doesn't always come the most naturally to me. Being content with nothing to do has already helped my relationship with Him because it teaches me to be still and listen in ways I might not be so naturally inclined to do usually. At the very least, it's probably good for my health.
The only thing I regret about my experience was actually when I was in Madurai for the second time staying at the Jim Sam cottage. Looking back I see that I had so much free time I could have been using to interact with and love the handicapped children living downstairs in the center. At the time I can remember wondering if I'd regret not investing more in them. Well, guess what. I do.
The thing I'm most thankful for...hmmm.... can I just say everything and everyone here and in India?
Is that allowed?
Ok :)
Anyways, I think I'm all out of stuff to blog about for now.
Thanks for your time and congrats if you just made it through all of that without skimming :)
I'm not sure I could have.
Someone very wise gave me a list of topics that might be helpful for me to continue to blog about. I intended to go through it today, buuuut all this kind of came out instead XP
So, I'm not sure yet what else I'm going to blog about. I've had people ask me to continue blogging even just about life. I might just do that. But I'd also have to figure out a better name for my blog then because I'm not in India anymore.
Anyways! If I continue to blog (which I very well might), I'll post it on my facebook status so y'all know.
Otherwise, I'm out for now. See ya!
- Jenni
